Abused.
That is the feeling you get when someone dishes an unsolicited piece of advice no matter how well-meaning they seem. I was on the phone recently with someone and in one of the hurried discussions, I said something about wanting to pursue something because time is short. If there’s any major lesson that the previous year had highlighted to me was this – time is short… consider going after your dreams while you have the strength to work toward that dream.
And then the discussion went off the field. Needless to say, I felt totally un-heard and totally trampled upon by this person’s perception of what I need and should do. No matter how well-meaning the insights were, the timing and the lack of emphatetic considerations, left me shaking my head in disbelief.
Well-meaning intention is never enough for you to dish out your perception on others. Or even your well-intentioned, self-perceived solution on the problems of others.
Someone I knew recently shared one of her conversations with some people in the same ministry she is involved in. She shared her deep emotions about a recent loss only to be rebuffed by the insensitive comments expressed about what she felt.
It was very unfortunate that people sometimes, would just hurriedly dish out their comments because of some identifiable factors:
1. They have grown too tired about listening to this same concern.
2. They feel that since they are friends or ministry partners that they have the right to simply express (out of their loving concern) without asking permission first if they may do so.
3. They have identified one problem and has given their spiritual perception on it. And that becomes the flagship answer they give to a specific person.
4. They cannot handle the overwhelming aspect of the crisis.
I was sitting in Shopwise waiting for someone when I overheard two ladies talking. The other one was visibly upset and the other one was very directive in her voice and gestures. She did not even lower her voice a bit to protect the privacy of the issues they were discussing…
“All you need to do is to pray harder… go to Church, worship God and He will take care of all of your problems, including your philandering husband… Prayer lang ang katapat nyan….” (No wonder christian counseling is a dying thing because of some people who counsel people when in all practicality, they should not.)
Over-simplication if you ask me… and then the lady answered her phone and was on the phone for about 5 minutes as the lady in front of her kept her quiet tears to herself.
I was shaking my head in dis-belief.
What are some of the things that I remind myself when I am faced in the same situation? Here are some of the guidelines I tell myself when I am in a counseling situation.
1. The person I am counseling with KNOWS more about the situation than I do. The person has been walking, sleeping, eating, crying with this problem longer than I could imagine. I need to ask them about how they feel and what they have done and suspend any judgment or advice no matter how important I may feel them to be.
2. Be careful with christian sounding cliches. There are times when they are more hurtful because they communicate something they have not done, or have done less, or have not considered despite all the things they have been through. Saying “you should not limit God and what He can do…” seems really right.. but the meta-message we are saying to someone who has been struggling and asking God for discernment, would simply mean that they have not been trusting God enough. Instead of adding empowerment, you dis-empowered them by insinuating the weakness of their faith and how they have limited what God can do.
3. In dealing with people in grief, give them plenty of time to do so. Words like “move on, time heals, there is purpose in anything.. God allowed it etc.. ” may seem right to you but they do not help the person in grief. People who are grieving need to know that you are engaged in their pain at that moment. Telling them to move on and get over it are simple and easy indicators of your inability to handle grief, and worse, your indifference to what they are going through.
Let people grieve for however long it takes. We are not psychiatrist or psychologists that we suddenly have the authority and the expertise to accurately consider the length of their grief as pathological.
4. People express grief differently and in varying degrees. Just because you did not grieve over the death of a family member, does not mean that all people should grieve like you did.
5. Determine the VALUE OF THE LOSS. Sure, it may feel as if the person for example, simply lost a phone that is easily replaceable… but what if that is the phone given by his father who left for overseas work last night. Now it is not just a phone, but has an emotional value attached to it. It was not simply a phone as a gadget, but it was seen as a loving expression of a father to his child before he left. Would you say to that child to simply get over it and buy another phone? Determine the value, the significant value that such loss had incurred. Without being able to determine the value, one is not allowed to speak but instead, one should simply listen emphatetically.
6. How you interact with the person you are counseling with determines to a large degree your ability to listen. Listening is not simply about hearing the words – but understanding how they are used and what they mean in the personal context of the person in front of you. Words are just symbols – listen to what they mean as spoken vessels of feelings and ethos from the heart of the person you are communicating with.
The next time someone approaches for any type of counseling, take a deep breath in grateful appreciation for the honor being bestowed upon you.
Listen with your ears.
Listen with your mind.
Listen with your heart and let your words breathe life to a hurting heart.
